Cory 2000-10-02

From Summa Bergania

From : Cory Allen Heidelberger

To : Amanda Amert, Andy Kenyon, David Bergan, Justin Becker, Jud Bergan, Lewis Bundy, Tony Amert, Warren W. Uecker, Xin Wang, Toby Uecker, Laura Beesley

Subject : O.K., I confess...

Date : Mon, 02 Oct 2000 23:52:52 -0500

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To Whom It May Concern:

Having heard the many rumors swirling about town about my behavior in defense of my property from Madison High School’s homecoming celebrants Tuesday night last, I figured I ought to set the record straight publicly.

Like most rumors, these grossly distort the truth. The cunning and sheer havoc of my counteroffensive have been shockingly underreported. For instance, rumor has it I leapt from the bushes at the teenagers’ vehicles as they came down my driveway. Untrue: After spying the approaching band of marauding students from my well-camouflaged watchtower, I careened groundward on a zip line that dropped me squarely in front of the onrushing vehicles.

Witnesses and others have reported that I carried a baseball bat. Untrue: a bat does not have the necessary destructive power. Rather than wield a weapon so impotent and quotidien, I instead swooped down with a handcrafted seven-foot Thai wupasa stick.

Rumor further has it that I smashed in a windshield. Untrue: the actual damage was much greater. With my lightning reflexes, I destroyed five windshields, eight side windows, and nine headlights in the first twenty-two seconds of my rampage (slightly longer than I had practiced, but at one point I tripped on my zip line). With the glass so dispatched, I proceeded to whack away at bumpers and body panels. Alas, I swung with such fury, sending entire fenders flying across the field and into the depths of Lake Herman, that even my trusty wupasa stick could not bear the force of the blows. The stick itself cracked and shattered, showering the hapless and terrified children in the nearest two vehicles with poisonous, sap-laden splinters of Southeast Asian ikiichi wood, thus explaining the headaches, fatigue, and upset stomachs many students subsequently suffered. Deprived of my wupasa stick (I have already started designing the next one, an eight-footer), I had to settle for a few well-placed kung fu chops and kicks that sent three cars crashing into the ditches.

Finally, various individuals have said I leapt onto the hood of one vehicle. Untrue: I had already smashed and torn off the hoods of all the vehicles. I did indeed leap in front of one large SUV as it tried to escape, but rather than leap onto it (an unwise tactical move, according to the Wu-Li Masters’ Handbook of Mayhem, Millennium Edition) I chose to render it immobile with a resounding chop to the engine block. As the hysterical, weeping children fled, I grabbed the undercarriage and flipped the SUV into the ditch.

I hope this narrative clarifies the events of Tuesday last for the concerned members of the community. I only regret that the ill-mannered children who visited me did not have the courtesy to remove their debris afterward. I had to spend a good hour sweeping up glass and engine parts, plus another hour the next day loading up the smoldering car frames and hauling them to the salvage yard. But it had to be done, since I do hate a messy lawn.

Sincerely,

Cory Allen Heidelberger