In Defense of Apathy
From Summa Bergania
by The Raging Apathetic
Essays in favor of apathy are rare, for an obvious reason. And this means that when our eyes do set upon the words of such an essay, we need to read it with extra attention. For the existence of the words itself beams a passion so great that the arguments therein must be true. If an author finds that the defense of apathy is important enough to overcome his own insurmountable apathy, then his words radiate more importance than the rest of literature combined. All other human works are puny in comparison, because this person is determined to write something even though every string of his soul is pulling against it. It is like the oldest rocks of the earth speaking up, for one brief miraculous moment, to defend their rock-ness. On with the defense…
This may sound like I have a grudge against ASA, let me assure you that I do not. They haven’t done anything to tick me off. I wonder if they have done anything at all. If I cared, I would look into it; but, of course, my apathy keeps me planted right here. That’s what is so great about apathy. It ignores frivolous things (like figuring out what the letters in ASA stand for) and keeps you focused on important things (like writing about why apathy is so great). Addressing the students, former Augie President Ralph Wagoner told us once that the key to life was being able to discern the difference between opportunities and distractions. This is precisely the attitude many adopt toward ASA. It would be a distraction to spend our time learning about it.
But let’s leave ASA alone and take a look at apathy in the abstract. How many wars were started because of apathy? How many heretics were put on the rack, forced to give birth with their legs tied together, had molten lead poured down their throats, and burned to death from apathy? If Cain were apathetic, Abel would not have been murdered. If Hitler were apathetic, there would not have been a holocaust or Second World War. In fact, the only time apathy does any harm at all is when someone else is doing something both 1) evil and 2) not apathetic. If I am apathetic while watching Professor Nesiba shoot Professor Schotten just to watch him die, I am doing wrong only because Nesiba was not apathetic in the first place. Apathy is only wrong in reaction—only in reaction to non-apathetic actions.
Apathy may not make heroes, but it also does not make tyrants. Heroes are only needed to combat tyrants, so if tyrants had learned this simple lesson in the first place, heroes would not be needed at all. In computer science, we train ourselves to leave things alone that are working properly. If the hard drive is working we don’t pop it open with a screwdriver because we might mess it up. As far as I can tell, ASA and the Sioux Falls city government are honky-dory. Yet that doesn’t stop them from wallpapering the stalls with posters urging me to get involved. If things are going well and I got involved, then I might mess things up (and even if I didn’t mess things up, what good did it do me to help things go smoothly that were already going smoothly without my help?). If things really are messed up, then I would be happier sitting in my room thinking that they aren’t.
ASA, just do your thing and keep quiet. Run things like the Mafia. We don’t care what you do so long as we have your ‘protection.’ Hire some thugs to keep getting more of those ‘Augie Advantage’ discounts (like how about $1 tickets at the $3 movie theater?). It’s not worth the printing costs to make signs and pictures and table tents. And pestering us to vote in the city election was a waste of your time.
Students, stand up for your apathy. Don’t crumble under the weight of peer pressure on Election Day. We’ve been sending ASA a message for years that the majority of campus does not care about their silly popularity contests. Help us send this message. Don’t vote.
